#54: Where the Gospel Meets Disability

#54: Where the Gospel Meets Disability

Note: The Love Thy Neighborhood podcast is made for the ear, and not the eye. We would encourage you to listen to the audio for the full emotional emphasis of this episode. The following transcription may contain errors. Please refer to the audio before quoting any content from this episode. 

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RACHEL SZABO: Since she was three years old, Jenny Smith wanted to be a gymnast.

JENNY SMITH: I remember watching Nadia Comaneci during the Montreal Olympics.

AUDIO CLIP: Faultless Nadia Comaneci, a magnificent gymnast…

JENNY SMITH: And, uh, just wanted to be like her.

RACHEL SZABO: So her mom enrolled her in a local gym, and very soon gymnastics became Jenny’s life. She worked hard at it, going to class as much as five nights a week. 

JENNY SMITH: So I would go to school, come home, have a snack, and go back to the gym, and, uh, come home, eat dinner, and go to bed. But my primary identity was as a gymnast because that’s what I, what I did.

RACHEL SZABO: Jenny went on to compete in the Junior Olympics, and she even went on to become a gymnastics coach – all while in high school. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Wow. All in high school? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, that’s impressive. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, and eventually her dedication turned to cheerleading for her school. Jenny was all about tumbling and athletics, but one day that all changed dramatically. So Jenny is actually from right here in Louisville, and on this particular day, she was at cheerleading practice at Seneca Park. 

AUDIO CLIP: 5, 6, 7, 8, 1, 2, 3, 4.

JENNY SMITH: It was hot and humid and sticky outside as Louisville summers often are, and I was outside tumbling. 

AUDIO CLIP: Alright, let’s go ahead and walk off and down. 

JENNY SMITH: Uh, we were taking a break. I continued tumbling because that’s what I did. 

RACHEL SZABO: It was still morning, so the grass was wet with dew, but that didn’t keep Jenny from practicing several tumbling runs, round offs and back handsprings. And she executed everything perfectly like the gymnast that she was, but then…

JENNY SMITH: But I was doing a round off back handspring layout, which is something that was very easy for me, but my feet slipped out from underneath me, so I didn’t have enough height or rotation to make it all the way around and I landed face first in the grass. I heard a pop, and I had no feeling and no movement from my neck down.

JESSE EUBANKS: Oh my gosh. This is crazy. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. Jenny laid there face down in the grass, and her friends noticed and rushed over, asked her if she was okay. 

JENNY SMITH: And I told them, “Don’t move me. I’ve broken my neck.” 

JESSE EUBANKS: Oh no.

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. Jenny was taken to Kosair Children’s Hospital, and there the doctor told her the outcome of her injury.

JENNY SMITH: And the first time I remember hearing the conclusion was when a neurosurgeon came in and said, “You’ll never walk again.” 

RACHEL SZABO: Jenny had suffered a C6-7 spinal cord injury that would leave her paralyzed from the chest down for the rest of her life. She could no longer walk. She could no longer use her hands. In the blink of an eye, Jenny suddenly found herself thrown into the world of disability.

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JESSE EUBANKS: You’re listening to the Love Thy Neighborhood podcast. I’m Jesse Eubanks. 

RACHEL SZABO: And I’m Rachel Szabo. Every episode we hear stories of Christians trying to follow Jesus in our modern times. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Today’s episode is where the gospel meets disability. 

RACHEL SZABO: And just a point of clarification, our stories today mainly focus on physical disabilities – things that affect our physical body and its performance. If you wanna hear stories that focus more on mental and intellectual disabilities, then check out episode number 19 – “Where the Gospel Meets Special Needs.” 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yep, that’s right. Today we’re gonna hear from those living with disability as well as caregivers, as they wrestle with three aspects of disability – physical, emotional, and theological.

RACHEL SZABO: And one more note, we understand that terminology and language is constantly changing. So while we’ve done our best to use the appropriate terms for today, you know, in a year or even just a few months from now, it’s possible for language to have shifted, making some of our usage outdated. So please keep that in mind as you listen.

JESSE EUBANKS: Welcome to our corner of the urban universe.

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JESSE EUBANKS: Okay, so a 2020 study from Lifeway Research asked Protestant churchgoers the following question – “Would a person with disabilities feel welcomed at your church?” And the results were overwhelming. 97% said yes. They strongly agreed that someone with a disability would feel welcome and included at their church.

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, I think that’s great, and I think that’s as it should be. You know, the church should be one of the most welcoming and safe places on the planet, right? However, I think there is a disconnect happening here. 

JESSE EUBANKS: In what way? What do you mean? 

RACHEL SZABO: Well, in another survey, this one from the Disabilities Study Quarterly, they found that those living with a disability are almost 30% less likely to attend a religious service. So while able-bodied people might think those with disabilities would feel welcome, the people actually living with disability seem to show otherwise. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, and that should concern us as Christians because if we look at Scripture, I mean, it’s obvious that God has a heart for people who are differently abled.

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, totally. The Bible is full of people with disabilities. I mean, Moses couldn’t speak right. Jacob walked with a limp. Samson went blind. Mephibosheth couldn’t walk. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, and, you know, of course Jesus’s earthly ministry – you know, he had tons of encounters with people with disabilities. In fact, 25 out of his 34 recorded miracles in the gospels show him interacting with people living with disabilities. One such story – it’s actually found in the gospel of John. In John chapter five, Jesus comes to a pool named Bethesda. 

RACHEL SZABO: Oh yeah. Did, didn’t that pool have, like, magic powers or something like that? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Well, sort of, you know, there was this, uh, pagan tradition that the pool could heal whenever the water was being stirred. So because of this we’re told that there were just dozens of people camped out at the pool – people who were blind, who were lame, who were paralyzed. One of these we’re told is a man who hadn’t been able to walk for 38 years, and it’s actually this guy that Jesus walks up to. And Jesus asks him a really pointed question – “Do you wanna be healed?” 

RACHEL SZABO: That seems like a silly question. Like, what’s this guy gonna say? “No, I kind of like just not being able to walk and hanging out at this pool, and I’m just working on my tan.” Like, of course the guy wants to be healed. That’s why he’s there. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Right, right, right. But listen to how the man answers Jesus’ question – “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I’m going, another steps down before me.” 

RACHEL SZABO: Okay, but he didn’t answer the question. Does he wanna be healed or not?

JESSE EUBANKS: Well, I think that the reality is the guy wants to be healed, but he can’t get past his physical realities that he’s living with. I mean, he can’t, you know, move himself close enough to the waters to get in when the time comes. He’s limited in what he’s capable of doing on his own. And I think it’s important that we look at that, that reality, that our physical limitations influence our life and shape us. We have to understand that the basic physical aspects we’re all living with – they play a huge part in our experiences in life. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, I mean that was definitely true for Jenny, you know, the gymnast who sustained the spinal cord injury. So after her injury and being told she would probably never walk again, she was moved to a rehab facility and she lived there for two and a half months working on regaining any physical capabilities she could.

JENNY SMITH: And it was there that I had to learn how to live life from a wheelchair, and it’s where I learned how to pick up a cup, how to eat with a fork. And I was basically having to learn everything from scratch, and I didn’t know what I was going to be able to do on my own at that time.

RACHEL SZABO: And the answer seemed to be not a lot. You know, she could still use her arms, but her hands were limp. She also lost control of her bladder and bowel function. She had to be repositioned every so often to prevent pressure sores. Her muscles would involuntarily jerk, sometimes kicking her leg and flinging off her shoe. I mean, she had gone from an independent gymnast to a dependent teenager who needed help getting dressed and going to the bathroom, which was hard to say the least. 

JENNY SMITH: I think I was fairly lost. I was still in that nowhere zone of not really knowing who I was. I just didn’t know even how to process those emotions. So for the most part, I just did what I could do. 

RACHEL SZABO: And, you know, the reality is this can all sound pretty discouraging. And for Jenny it was, but then while she was in rehab, a woman came to visit her. 

JENNY SMITH: So she had a spinal cord injury very similar to mine, and she had been injured about five years earlier.

RACHEL SZABO: So this woman’s name was Lois, and she came just to talk with Jenny about her injury and to show her some of the things that she was able to do on her own. And one thing that caught teenage Jenny’s attention right away was that Lois had brought a makeup bag.

JENNY SMITH: And she showed me how to do several things, and one of those things was how she put on her mascara.

RACHEL SZABO: Lois showed Jenny how she could pick things up with her hands using something called tenodesis. It’s a natural occurrence that forms your hand into, like, a loose grip. So here, Jesse, you can try this out. So relax your wrist. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Okay. 

RACHEL SZABO: Let it kind of drop down and hang limp. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Okay.

RACHEL SZABO: Now, keep your fingers relaxed and loose and pull your wrist up and watch what your fingers do.

JESSE EUBANKS: Just pull just my wrist? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, just pull your wrist up. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Oh yeah, they – oh yeah, look at that. They, they’re forming like a, I don’t know, like a loose grip. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, it’s like a very loose fist. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah. 

RACHEL SZABO: So using this and also using a special splint attached to the end of the mascara tube, Lois was able to put on her own makeup. And it was a small sliver of independence, and Jenny was fascinated.

JENNY SMITH: And that day literally changed my life. She gave me hope, and just as Jeremiah 29:11 says that God gives us a hope and a future, Lois showing me how I could put on my own mascara – she gave me hope. And so immediately I started trying to put on my makeup. You know, just to be independent in one small area of life was a really big deal. 

RACHEL SZABO: So Jenny eventually left rehab – and she knew how to use a wheelchair, she could do a few things for herself now – but she still needed her family to help her use the bathroom, get ready for bed, transfer her to and from the car. But thanks to the hope that she saw from Lois, she was slowly learning ways to adapt to her new life. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, like, the level of adaptations that people with disabilities have to make – I’ve actually had dinner with somebody before who had no arms, and so they cut their food and fed themselves using their feet. All of these, like, physical adaptations that people make and the physical hardship that people with disabilities are dealing with – that is, like, a real thing. But I also think, like, we really need to explore what’s going on under the surface. Like what is the emotional reality for folks that are dealing with this level of disability? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, I mean that’s something that Jenny had to face, you know, and we talked about this more in depth in our episode on special needs and our episode on chronic illness, but loss of dreams, loss of identity – I mean, that can be a very real thing when it comes to living with disability. Here’s Jenny. 

JENNY SMITH: About six months after my injury when I went down to Nashville for a cheerleading competition with the squad, that – it really hit me.

RACHEL SZABO: So Jenny had gone to this cheerleading competition just to support her friends and her team. 

JENNY SMITH: I was dressed like my teammates. I had the sweatshirt on. I had the cheerleading shoes on. I wasn’t participating, but I was still there. We were at, um, the Opryland Hotel, and it just had really thick carpet. I was in a manual chair and trying to push through that carpet, and I just felt like everyone was staring at me wondering, “What is she doing here?”

RACHEL SZABO: And the looks and the stares made it very clear to Jenny – she no longer belonged. 

JENNY SMITH: And I wanted to scream, “You don’t know who I am.” And it was at that point that I realized I’m no longer a gymnast. I’m no longer a cheerleader. And that’s when the dam really first broke for me, um, emotionally.

RACHEL SZABO: You know, Jesse, you brought up the man at the Bethesda pool that Jesus talked to, and I’m sure that that man felt alone. You know, he talked about, “I don’t have anyone to help me into the pool.” He didn’t have friends, and that’s kind of how Jenny felt. She felt alone. 

JENNY SMITH: At that time, I couldn’t turn to friends. I just didn’t feel like a lot of the things that I was struggling with that they would even understand. Um, I was ashamed to talk about any bladder and bowel issues. Who wants to talk about how they pee and poop with even your best friend? Um, I mean, gosh, I do that all the time now, but as a 16 year old, that just wasn’t on my radar. So I really was not opening up to anyone at that point emotionally. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Mmm. You know, Jenny brings up this thing that I think it’s important that we talk about. She talked about receiving stares from people at the cheerleading competition, and –

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah.

JESSE EUBANKS: I think it’s important to realize that people living with disabilities can have internal emotional struggles, but they also receive input from society and society is not always favorable toward what we view as disability.

MIKE BEATES: We don’t like weakness. Uh, we don’t like broken things.

JESSE EUBANKS: Coming up – America’s approach to disability and a baby in crisis. We’ll be right back. 

COMMERCIAL

JESSE EUBANKS: It’s the Love Thy Neighborhood podcast. I’m Jesse Eubanks. 

RACHEL SZABO: I’m Rachel Szabo. Today’s episode – where the gospel meets disability. 

JESSE EUBANKS: So we’ve been hearing from Jenny Smith as we’ve explored both the physical and emotional aspects of living with disability, but people don’t live in a vacuum. So I’d like to take a minute to talk about how society impacts the physical and emotional realm of disabilities. And to do that, I spoke with Dr. Mike Beates. He’s a theologian who has dedicated much of his work to a theology of disability, and he sees disability as the complete opposite of what we as a society try to build. 

MIKE BEATES: That’s what the modern experiment is all about. We solve the problems, uh, we make things better and we move forward and life is good, but with disability that brokenness doesn’t go away and in fact sometimes it gets harder and harder and harder.

JESSE EUBANKS: And that hardship is something that Dr. Mike knows firsthand. His own daughter was actually born with severe disabilities that affect her mobility and her speech. Everything from being fed to using the restroom to being transferred from one place to another, his daughter requires total care. In fact, it was this experience that drove Dr. Mike to study a worldview of disability. And when it comes to society’s view, he sees a very inconsistent dichotomy. 

MIKE BEATES: In modern America, we have a, a really schizophrenic approach. If a disabled child is diagnosed early enough, we can destroy it and the culture just says, “Yeah,” and will even if it’s born there are cases where we just let the child die in the hospital and it happens far more often than people realize it. 

JESSE EUBANKS: So the first approach toward disability is just to avoid it. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, you know, I’ve heard multiple stories of couples who became pregnant and found out the baby would be born with Down Syndrome and then their families encouraged them, you know, to get an abortion.

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, we like to avoid suffering and we don’t see any value in suffering and so it makes sense that our society says, “Well just get rid of the kid.” But Dr. Mike says that after a child is born, our society’s attitudes completely shift. 

MIKE BEATES: But if the child survives, by golly, we have a culture that guarantees that, uh, they will get a fully funded educational support system at great cost all the way through the year that they turn 21.

JESSE EUBANKS: So if the first view in our society is to destroy suffering, the second view is to then provide as much care and comfort as possible. And don’t misunderstand this – our society does have some great resources for people who have disabilities and we’ve made some tremendous strides in caring for folks and we do need that. Advocating for resources and adaptability in society – it’s a good thing. But even with all those great resources that we offer, we still don’t really wanna be bothered by people living with disabilities. So even our solutions, as good as they are, they often come at a great cost relationally. 

MIKE BEATES: We’ll find care facilities and institutionalize these folks so they don’t, they don’t bother us publicly, but by golly, we’re gonna care for them. So it’s this really split personality – you know, if we can search and destroy early, good, if not, okay, now we gotta pay for ’em and support ’em and employ people to care for them. And, uh, so it’s, it’s, it’s really interesting. 

JESSE EUBANKS: And of course, you know, these attitudes are felt by people within the disability community.

MIKE BEATES: For example, here’s a guy named Daniel Ritchie. This is actually a part of a public talk that he gave back in 2018, and what you need to know about Daniel is that he doesn’t have arms. 

DANIEL RITCHIE: Anywhere I go, any, anytime I step into Walmart, the gas station, going out to eat, people look at two empty sleeves and they go, “Now wait a minute. There’s something a little bit different with this guy.” And, and people come up to me all the time, and they don’t say hello, they don’t introduce themselves. They automatically go, “Shark attack?” 

RACHEL SZABO: (laughs) Yes, clearly that’s the answer. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, double barrel shark attack, like you got identical bites at the same time, both arms.

RACHEL SZABO: I wanna know what, what are the odds of that happening. 

JESSE EUBANKS: (laughs) Right? Daniel was not attacked by sharks or didn’t get in a fight with a bear. He was actually born without arms. And when Dr. Mike talked about our society not seeing the value of a baby with disability, Daniel can understand that firsthand because that was actually part of his story.

DANIEL RITCHIE: Nobody had any clue that I was gonna be born without arms. My mom had a healthy pregnancy, my mom had two ultrasounds, and so all along the way she’s told, “Mrs. Richie, you’re gonna have this healthy baby boy.” 

JESSE EUBANKS: So Daniel’s mom is in the delivery room and gives birth to her boy. But the moment that Daniel’s born, the doctors and the nurses – they’re all in shock. They don’t say a word. The delivery room is not a scene of celebration. It’s actually a scene of quiet discomfort. 

DANIEL RITCHIE: And in that moment, the, the doctor, like, turns to my dad and, and he dips me down so, so my dad can see that I don’t have arms, so my dad can see that I’m not breathing, I’m not moving. And he asked my dad, “Do you want us to let him go?”

JESSE EUBANKS: So here in this delivery room, there’s this moment. Daniel’s not breathing, and the doctor’s giving this choice, this one decision – is a life of pain and suffering worth having life at all, or would it be better just to let his son go so that he didn’t have to suffer? But Daniel’s dad – he insists that the doctors do whatever they can to make sure that their son lives. And Daniel did exactly that. In fact, he didn’t just go on to live. He actually went on to become completely healthy, just without arms. He learned to do everything with his feet. He writes with his feet. He eats with his feet. It’s incredible. But that doesn’t mean that life has not been without those hardships. 

DANIEL RITCHIE: And, and y’all, my struggle has not been a physical struggle. My struggle in this life has been just a, a spiritual, emotional struggle that, that I realize very quickly that when I go out into public I’m not like everybody else, and people realize that about me very, very quickly. 

JESSE EUBANKS: And in some ways, like, this is what the doctors were trying to spare him of, right? Like, it wasn’t just about the fact that here was Daniel with no arms and his life’s gonna be hard, but they’re like, “Because he has no arms, he’s gonna have a lot of emotional struggles. It’s gonna be very, very emotionally difficult for him.” 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, and as a society we don’t like things that are different and we don’t like things that appear to us to be broken. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Right, right. Dr. Mike actually had some thoughts on that too. 

MIKE BEATES: And, and you see where, where this is not in concert with the Western narrative of progress, control, efficiency, safety. No. It does not match up with that stuff at all. 

JESSE EUBANKS: And this actually became the narrative that Daniel believed about himself. 

DANIEL RITCHIE: And so because of that, I pushed people away. I, I was frustrated. I was angry. I was bitter. I wanted nothing to do with people. I wanted nothing to do with God and his gospel. I was allowing my life to be defined by everything outside of, of who God had made me to be and what God was, was beckoning me to trust in and rest in him. 

RACHEL SZABO: I think that’s really getting at the heart of the matter, you know, for people living with disability and for able-bodied people, and that is the “why” question. You know – “God, why have you made me like this, or why have you made my child like this? Why have you given this as my lot in life?” 

JESSE EUBANKS: I mean, gosh, that is, like, the question we all ask ourselves about a thousand different issues, right? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

JESSE EUBANKS: This whole just issue of pain and suffering, and I think, like, it’s a question that’s, like, way too big for us to answer in a podcast, you know? But Dr. Mike – he actually does see at least part of the answer is having to do with a misunderstanding of what it means to be made in the image of God. 

RACHEL SZABO: Oh, what do you mean? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Okay, so Dr. Mike actually went around and asked some prominent Christian leaders what they thought it meant to be made in the image of God, and he saw sort of three major themes. The first is that it has to do with our ability to think and to reason. 

MIKE BEATES: I’ve actually heard and, and read some Christian thinkers – some very well known, and I think just erroneous – saying that there are some human beings who are so disabled, so – the, the disfigurement or the malformation is so grossly profound that they lack the image of God. And this one respected guy said, “Yeah, I don’t, I don’t believe such a, a human has God’s image.” I said, “So, so you’re, you’re locating the image of God in thought and cognition.” And I said, “Well, it certainly is there,” and I said, “Yeah, it is there. It certainly includes that, but is it limited to that?” 

RACHEL SZABO: Oh yeah, okay. “I think, therefore I am.” That kind of thing, right? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Right. So that’s the first theme. The second is that our imaging of God is connected to creative expression. 

MIKE BEATES: Francis Schaeffer was real big on saying it’s, it’s all about creativity, the ability to create because God is a creator. Francis Schaeffer said as we create – that’s music, it’s art, it’s conversation, it’s thought – those are the things, that’s the way that we image God. I said, well, that’s true and that’s good and that’s profoundly significant. Yes. But is that it? 

JESSE EUBANKS: So thought, creativity, and the third theme Dr. Mike saw was that being made in the image of God means our ability to live in relationship with one another.

MIKE BEATES: A lot of people even say it’s relational. It’s as we relate to others because God is trinitarian and he relates, and that’s, yeah, those are all true and they’re all profoundly important. 

JESSE EUBANKS: But Dr. Mike finds all of this incomplete.

MIKE BEATES: But Jesus, the New Testament says, was in the image of God and it leaves it there and it doesn’t say “in his thought,” “in his speech,” “in creativity.” No. He is the image of God. And, and the line I like to use with people is who we are is more important than what we do. Being precedes doing. Who we are is more important than what we do, and that that’s what Imago Dei is. It’s who we are. We’re made in God’s image.

RACHEL SZABO: Okay, so is he basically saying that just simply by existing, just the fact that a person is, is that the image of God? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Dr. Mike would say yes, that our abilities absolutely can and do reflect God’s character because God is an active, doing God, but that it’s also a lot more simple than that – that a person simply by being a person, even if they have no cognitive ability or communicative ability, the fact that that person just is is how they reflect the image of God. And Mike has seen this happen with his own daughter. 

MIKE BEATES: I tell people my daughter has a ministry of presence. She can’t give, she can’t speak, she can’t contribute. She shows up, and she can’t even bring herself. We have to bring her. But she shows up, and – I, I can’t tell you how many, how often it happens – somebody will come up after church and say, you know, “While the pastor was preaching, I looked at your daughter and I had this thought or God impressed upon my soul this or I heard her laugh today during the sermon and that just touched my soul” – things like that. She shows up, and people are impacted by God through Christ in ways that we would never have imagined.

JESSE EUBANKS: Like imagine if the church saw people with disabilities not just as like people who need our token support and care, but like as peers, equals to us, beautiful reflections of the image of God that are necessary for our communities and our churches. I mean, for somebody that has a disability, imagine how it would impact their identity for somebody to see them as a peer and not just as some charity case.

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. Well, I think what would happen is what happened with a woman named Nelly and her friend Robert. 

NELLY: Despite what he was going through, he was still his old same self. 

RACHEL SZABO: Stay with us.

COMMERCIAL

JESSE EUBANKS: Love Thy Neighborhood podcast. Jesse Eubanks. 

RACHEL SZABO: Rachel Szabo. Today – where the gospel meets disability. So, Jesse, before the commercial, you posed the question of what would it look like if we saw people with disabilities as peers and as beautiful reflections of God’s image. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yep.

RACHEL SZABO: And that’s actually something that a woman named Nelly learned to do with her friend Robert. So Nelly first met Robert 11 years ago while they were both doing ministry in the community. 

NELLY: We were going to a mission, a local mission, which was providing meals to the homeless in downtown LA. 

RACHEL SZABO: They quickly became friends, and they enjoyed hanging out together. Robert was in college majoring in Parks and Rec, but they would meet up for lunch or for coffee whenever he had breaks and Robert would talk about wanting to use sports as ministry to youth. And then one day, he randomly got sick. 

NELLY: He became numb on one side on a random morning, and his friends decided to take him to the hospital. He was completely paralyzed within a week from that day. 

RACHEL SZABO: Out of nowhere, Robert suddenly lost his mobility. Like it was bizarre, and even the doctors didn’t know exactly what happened. They eventually diagnosed Robert with a virus that went into his brain stem and caused a double stroke. But to this day, they still don’t know really what exactly happened that caused Robert’s sudden paralysis. So along with his movement, Robert also lost his ability to speak. The only thing he could do was to blink, so he was moved to a rehab facility – like the one that Jenny had gone to – to try to help him. And Nelly, wanting to be a good friend, started visiting him. 

NELLY: So that location was, happened to be really close to my work, so I would come during my lunch breaks and spend time with him.

RACHEL SZABO: And honestly, Nelly really didn’t know what to do or to say when she went to visit him. In fact, sometimes she even felt a little silly. 

NELLY: I know he couldn’t eat, but I would just bring bagels and because he liked bagels and then I felt dumb for that because he couldn’t eat. (laughs)

RACHEL SZABO: But she wanted to be there for him, be a friend, be a consistent presence and support because, despite his new disability, Nelly still saw Robert as the same person she had always known. So Robert was actually at the interview with Nelly, so you’ll be able to hear him in the background in this clip. 

NELLY: Despite what he was going through, he was still his same self. Um, I remember one time seeing, um – back in the day we had iPods, right? (laughs) And my, my, the screen on my iPod cracked, uh, but depending on the way you would look at it, depending on the angle, it was still the same that you couldn’t see any damage from the angle you would see it. You’re, you’re just the same inside and there’s some damage in the outside, but you are still the same self that I knew and I, I was hanging out with before. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Like what Nelly’s talking about here reminds me of, uh – we’ve got this saying around LTN – “just show up.” And it’s like this idea that, like, you don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t need to, like, know how to fix everything. Literally just your presence, like just show up, just be available to the person that needs you in that moment. And it’s like, it just sounds like what Nelly’s trying to do, like just be there. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, totally. I mean, something as simple as that can have a profound impact. And it turns out that Nelly’s visits were about to turn into something more because one day Robert’s nurse pulls her aside. 

NELLY: I was walking into the facility, um, his rehab place. His nurse stopped me at the door, um, before I went into his room and said, “Hey, hey, I need to tell you something.” 

RACHEL SZABO: And what the nurse said was this – “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Robert’s eyes really light up whenever you’re here, like his whole demeanor changes, and I think maybe there’s a little something between you two.”

JESSE EUBANKS: Really? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

NELLY: And I said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me, like I, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just friends.” (laughs) And then he said, “I bet you it’s gonna happen, so look at, pay attention, pay attention at the way he looks at you when you walk into the room.” So I thought he was nuts, but I still pay more attention this time. And his eyes went, like he was, he was, seemed so happy to see me. I know he was watching sports so he was happy, but he, his, just, look just changed and I knew there was something else there. 

JESSE EUBANKS: This story just took a turn I did not see coming.

RACHEL SZABO: (laughs) Yeah, so at this point, Robert had actually regained some mobility in his left hand to the point that he was able to type on a small computer, so he began texting Nelly whenever she wasn’t there visiting. And Robert still couldn’t speak, but now that he could type, they were able to actually communicate for the first time and they talked more and more and then one day Robert decided to go for it and ask Nelly to be his girlfriend. 

NELLY: Since he couldn’t speak, they gave him a tablet or, like, a computer device that he could type anything and on the other side of the screen people could see what he was saying. So it was like a little tiny little typewriter with a screen, and he asked me out. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Gosh, like, I just, I feel like we should acknowledge the fact that for people with disabilities the massive advancements in technology have given so many people more independence than they ever would’ve had in all of human history. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

JESSE EUBANKS: My wife is a pediatric occupational therapist and she has her master’s in assistive technology and so I asked her the other day, “What is, like, the most important invention you’ve seen in terms of helping people?” And she said, without a doubt, the iPad changed everything. 

RACHEL SZABO: Mmm.

JESSE EUBANKS: Just the amount of independence, the ability to communicate, the ability to connect with the outer world. People are far less trapped inside their bodies than they used to be because they can communicate with other people now.

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

JESSE EUBANKS: 30 years earlier, like this may never have even happened. 

RACHEL SZABO: Totally. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Okay, so Robert asked her out. What did Nelly say? 

NELLY: And I say, “Yes, let’s do this.” I think we both felt like things will get better and we both have that naive hope and very blinded by, like, love. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Well get it, Robert. 

RACHEL SZABO: (laughs) I know.

JESSE EUBANKS: That’s so great.

RACHEL SZABO: So this has turned into, like, a very sweet love story. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah. 

RACHEL SZABO: But, Jesse, I want you to think about this. So, like, you have a daughter. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah. 

RACHEL SZABO: What would your reaction be if she came to you and she said, “Hey, I’m going to date someone who can’t speak, um, and can’t move”? 

JESSE EUBANKS: I think I wouldn’t necessarily say no, but I would have questions. I would have questions about her quality of life. I’d wanna make sure that she understands the scope of what she’s saying yes to. Uh, I’d want her to understand that, you know, there’s a lot of long-term implications for being in a relationship with somebody with severe disabilities, and I just, I’d wanna make sure that she understands all of those things. So I, I would have questions. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, I think those are fair questions. And needless to say, Nelly’s family was a bit hesitant. 

NELLY: Yeah, and, and family definitely had concerns. My family, most, most of my family had concerns. My oldest sister had, uh, husband had a stroke, so she was a caregiver for the rest of his life until they both passed away. But they, they knew it was hard to care for someone else, and they wanted the best for me. I was just getting started with school and I mean, they were, they were definitely concerns there, but I think we decided to keep going. 

RACHEL SZABO: So they decided to give it a shot and start dating and eventually Robert left the rehab facility, but he still couldn’t walk or speak and he needed help with everything, which meant that going on dates always included a third wheel.

NELLY: Your mom was the one driving us around a lot, right? So I couldn’t do any of it by myself. We needed an extra person, which was his mom. So the first time transferring into a car was a half an hour, so just to get you in and out with someone else. So there’s the three of us dating for a, for a, for a very long time.

JESSE EUBANKS: (laughs) What an unusual dating scenario. 

RACHEL SZABO: I know.

JESSE EUBANKS: I’m just imagining like, you know, you’re, like, sitting across from the table from like, you know, your new boyfriend and you’re like, you know, trying to have private conversation with them but, like, immediately sitting right there is mom. 

RACHEL SZABO: There’s mom. (laughs)

JESSE EUBANKS: Like, what – does she, like, hold a menu in front of her face the whole time, pretend she’s not there? Like –

RACHEL SZABO: Does she jump in the conversation? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah. Does – is she like, you know – I, I just, how do you – like that is a third wheel to end them all. 

RACHEL SZABO: (laughs) Yeah. Well, so Nelly did learn how to help his mom with some of the caregiving, and actually eventually Robert – he gained some of his speech back. So you’re actually gonna hear him in this next clip with Nelly translating.

NELLY: We were starting to get more independent from that extra help, but there was still so many limitations. We couldn’t just do trips on our own. We had to bring in his mom with us. (Robert speaking, Nelly translating) Yeah. Feed, drink, go to the bathroom, shower, right. 

RACHEL SZABO: But they took their relationship one day at a time, and after about three years of dating, Robert and Nelly – they got married.

JESSE EUBANKS: Alright. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. Which meant that now for Nelly, she was now a wife and also a primary caregiver. 

NELLY: Like cleaning someone’s, helping them do their bathroom stuff, um, I was not, not prepared for it, but, uh, I knew that I had to do it carefully because he’s also wanted to keep his dignity. (Robert speaks) And you had to drop your pride, right? So I think that was a very interesting – um, definitely got his closer, um, learning what to do, how to move him in the shower or how to transfer him. 

RACHEL SZABO: And of course, once Covid hit, Nelly’s responsibilities increased. 

NELLY: When Covid started, I, I went on from being a caregiver to being a physical therapist, me and his mom, because he couldn’t go to a physical therapist anymore. And, and he would expect things, right? Like, “No, that’s not how I, I need to be moved or stretched.” And I had to remind him, “Hey, I’m not your physical therapist. I didn’t go to school for this.” 

JESSE EUBANKS: Okay, so like, I’m, I’m hearing Nelly, you know, wrestle with like, “I’m your wife, but now, like, I’m also kind of your caretaker, your physical therapist.” Like I would imagine at some level there’s a bit of a wrestling match with, like, identity. Like, “Who am I exactly to you? What role do I play in your life?” 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, totally, and identity is something that Nelly and Robert have to make sure that they talk about regularly.

NELLY: And we had to have multiple talks about, “I’m your wife.” (laughs) So even though caregiving is part of being a wife, he needed to know that I, I still had to be treated in such a way that I’m not just a nurse, right? So, um, we had multiple talks during that few, first few years.

RACHEL SZABO: And even though marriage has particular challenges for them, just like with any relationship, it also has incredible joys.

NELLY: Each time he gets to share what happened to him and how far we’ve gone from the beginning, I think that brings me joy. I like to see him share what he’s going through and, like, share his story and how I’m part of it somehow, (laughs) that I was able to be a stepping stone or, or a supporting need. I think that I can easily die tomorrow and say like, “I did something. We did something together.” (Robert speaking, Nelly translating) For you… Would really… Brings me joy. Experience, going places, friends and family. Yeah. Yeah.

JESSE EUBANKS: Listening to Nelly, like, it’s kind of amazing ’cause she doesn’t portray herself as somebody who’s got like, “Oh, like, I’ve got all these super human gifts, you know, to be able to take care of Robert.” Like she portrays herself as somebody who’s like, “I don’t really know how to do all these things. I’m just gonna kinda keep showing up day after day, and then I’m gonna show up the day after that too.”

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, I don’t think Nelly would say that she’s doing anything special. I think she just sees people as people and not as their circumstance, and she sees Robert as someone who’s made in the image of God.

NELLY: Yeah, and, and you’re marrying the, the person, not the things that are hard for them. So, so whether they’re in a wheelchair or on a – um, or have some sort of speech disability, it’s the person that you’re marrying, not the actual struggle. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Mmm. That’s so beautiful. Rachel, can I jump back to someone we talked about earlier?

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah. 

JESSE EUBANKS: So what about Jenny, the woman who sustained the spinal cord injury? We’re sitting here, we’re talking a lot about identity, and I know that, you know, Jenny had been a cheerleader, suddenly she’s not. Like, how did she wrestle with the questions of identity? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, well, this view of being made in the image of God, regardless of your ability – that’s something that she’s learned to accept. So Jenny actually went on to college and she was working hard as a college student and while in college she met a girl named Terry. 

JENNY SMITH: Terry was another wheelchair user, and I had never really gotten to talk with any other chair users. And at the time I would actually say that I would’ve said, “Well, I’m not one of them,” meaning I’m not someone with a disability because I’m different for some reason. But when I met Terry, I finally got brave enough to talk with her and really pushed me to a new level of living with a disability and kind of accepting that identity. 

RACHEL SZABO: And one of the things that Terry encouraged Jenny to do was to participate in something called the Miss Wheelchair America Pageant. So the Miss Wheelchair Pageant – it’s not a beauty contest. Instead, it’s about advocacy and achievement and selecting a spokeswoman for people with disabilities. And while Jenny didn’t win the pageant, she gained something else. 

JENNY SMITH: I met 25 other women with disabilities, and I was able to talk about bladder and bowel and personal care and all of these things that had really held me in such bondage just with shame. For the very first time, it was just such a relief to be able to talk with someone who understood it and, um, just really be open about it.

RACHEL SZABO: For the first time, Jenny felt comfortable as herself – as being made in the image of God just the way that she was – and accepting that image for the way God had made it.

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, what has Jenny’s life looked like since the accident? 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, so Jenny is now in her forties. And with the use of her wheelchair, Jenny has taken multiple mission trips overseas. She’s part of a rowing club. She’s gone skiing. She can drive. I mean, the things that she’s able to do are vast, and it’s much more than she would’ve ever imagined when her injury first happened. But the thing is – she no longer finds her identity in those things and in her abilities because she knows that she’s made in the image of God and that that is enough. 

JENNY SMITH: I think I can easily accept the fact that I am a woman with a disability. I have a spinal cord injury, and I can live life to the full with that. I’m no greater, I’m no lesser because of that, but I also can’t live this life without having an identity and just a huge faith in God to sustain me through that because there’s absolutely no way I could live life without that hope.

JESSE EUBANKS: Mmm, that is beautiful. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, so that’s Jenny, but I’m curious – you know, what about Daniel, the guy who was born without arms? Whatever happened with him? 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, you know, there are some similarities. You know, Daniel has learned to trust in God for his value and worth and to accept the way that God made him. You know, and that hasn’t been easy for Daniel, but he would say that it’s been worth it.

DANIEL RITCHIE: And it’s not like things instantly got better for me. I’m still armless, you know? And so for me to trust in the fact that God’s got me, for me to trust in the fact that even when people make fun of me, even when people mock me, I can still enjoy the life he’s given me because I’m not defined what those people, by what those people say.

JESSE EUBANKS: So how can we affirm people’s dignity as image bearers of God? Mike Beates has a very simple answer. 

MIKE BEATES: Start by saying hello. And that’s what I tell people. I say, when that family comes into church and they’ve got a kid, or, or, or an adult or whoever who’s obviously disabled in some sense, don’t be afraid to speak. Speak to them as, as you’d like to be spoken to. And I’ll tell you, this is what got us into the church where we’ve been for a long time now, is somebody met us at the door and they – our daughter’s in a wheelchair, so she’s lower – and, and the person kinda leaned over and made eye contact with her and said, “Good morning, young lady. How are you? What’s your name?” And they started by saying hello. And I say, if they can’t respond, guess what? The person who’s with them will be glad to respond for them. And we say, “Oh, this is our daughter, Jessica.” And you start by saying hello. 

RACHEL SZABO: Yeah, super simple. And that’s something that Robert definitely agrees with.

NELLY: (Robert speaking, Nelly translating) Yeah, he says, yes. If I can add a piece of advice for anyone going into a similar situation, just showing up makes a big difference. Um, you don’t have to have the right words. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Yeah, you know, when Jesus was at the pool at Bethesda, the man he found was helpless, weak, alone, defined by his circumstances, and Jesus just showed up. Scripture tells us that Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk,” and at once the man was healed and he took up his bed and walked. Now, I think that we need to be honest. We might not be healed this side of heaven, but eventually everything will be made right. Revelation tells us that there will be no more pain or grief, and Dr. Mike says in this way those living with disabilities – they’re actually a gift to us. 

MIKE BEATES: I think one of the gifts that disabilities brings is the gift of, of deep Christian hope. There’s a new heaven and a new earth and new bodies and redemption of body and soul, and that’s what we look forward to. And people who are truly more visibly broken than us – they hold that hope out to us. They remind us of that hope in a really strong way. 

RACHEL SZABO: You know, I actually asked Robert and Nelly if they think about what life will be like in the new heaven and the new earth, and Nelly says that she imagines Robert being able to do what he loves – playing sports again.

NELLY: Yeah, I think definitely playing baseball. (laughs) Yeah. I, he, he’s so much into sports that, uh, he wanted to do that and on earth, just be on the forest and, and climb trees and all, do all the lumberjack stuff. So I think he’ll be free to do that. 

RACHEL SZABO: And Robert said this.

NELLY: (Robert speaking, Nelly translating) The hard part is praying for help… Would I like to be healed on this side of heaven? Yes… But I’m okay it doesn’t happen… And I’m looking forward for heaven if there’s, there wouldn’t be any limitations and you can move easily. Yeah, yeah… We will be in awe, we would be in awe at that I think. As much as I think that he would be in sports, I think we would be also in awe of God’s presence.

JESSE EUBANKS: The good news that Jesus brings to people with disabilities is this. We live in a world that defines so many of us by what we’re capable of, by our attributes, by the things that we contribute to society, the goals that we meet, the success that we bring, but Jesus looks at all of us, whether we have disabilities or not, and says that we are not defined just by the things that we do. Our very existence is enough to be worthy of all of his love and all of his care. And for so many people who feel like outcasts, people who feel pushed to the side – in God’s kingdom, they’re integral. They’re central, not just to the love of God, but also to shaping and changing everyone else. So yes, pray for people who have disabilities, show up and provide care for people that are in need, but don’t mistake the idea that you’re the one that’s changing their life because God is working through them to change yours as well.

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JESSE EUBANKS: If you benefited at all from this podcast, please help us out by leaving a review wherever it is that you listen to podcasts. Your review will help other people discover our show.

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JESSE EUBANKS: Special thanks to our interviewees for this episode – Jenny Smith, Mike Beates, Daniel Ritchie, and Robert and Nelly Kapen. 

RACHEL SZABO: Our senior producer and host is Jesse Eubanks. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Our co-host and producer is Rachel Szabo, who sadly I saw getting thrown out of Hobby Lobby the other day.

JENNY SMITH: And I wanted to scream, “You don’t know who I am.”

RACHEL SZABO: Anna Tran is our audio engineer. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Music for today’s episode comes from Lee Rosevere, Poddington Bear, and Blue Dot Sessions. Theme music and commercial music by Murphy DX. 

RACHEL SZABO: If you want a hands-on experience of missions in our modern times, come serve with Love Thy Neighborhood. We offer internships for young adults ages 18 to 30 through the areas of service, community, and discipleship. You’ll grow in your faith and your life skills. Learn more at lovethyneighborhood.org. 

JESSE EUBANKS: Which of these was a neighbor to the man in need? The one who showed mercy. Jesus tells us, “Go, and do likewise.”