[pullquote type=”left”]I was miserable, weak, sleep-deprived, and nervous.[/pullquote]When it comes to being sick, I am pathetic. I hate being sick and I do not handle it well. I whine, I moan, and I feel really, really sorry for myself. So of course, the day before my 3 new team members arrived, I came down with a pretty serious stomach bug. I spent the entire night before they arrived battling it. I was miserable, weak, sleep-deprived, and nervous about what me being incapacitated meant for their first days here. In my most miserable moments, I found myself asking God why He would allow this. I demanded an end to it. I just wanted to feel better.
[pullquote type=”right”]I bemoaned not being able to meet my teammates looking like the strong, capable person I so badly want everyone to see me as.[/pullquote]By the next morning, I was exhausted, disoriented, and really only capable of sleep. My teammates arrived at 10 that same morning. So I slept for the next two days, eating nothing and drinking a lot of PowerAde. I bemoaned not being able to meet my teammates looking like the strong, capable person I so badly want everyone to see me as. They saw me as weak, disheveled, and sick. Not the ideal first impression.
[pullquote type=”left”]God used this miserable week of my life to show me that holding out on Him and trying to keep up my walls is a useless venture.[/pullquote]As much as I do not care to revisit those few days, I really am thankful for them. These past few months have been God tearing down my strongholds and reshaping me, making me more like Him. And though I know (in my head) that He always has good plans for me, I don’t always believe it in my heart. I think He used this miserable week of my life to show me that holding out on Him and trying to keep up my walls is a useless venture. He can, and apparently will, break me down. But it’s good for me to see and be reminded that He only ever does it to get closer to me. God never tears us down simply for the sake of tearing us down. He uses even my illness to show me that He is in control and that He cares for me.
[pullquote type=”right”]God reminded me that He is really not limited by me.[/pullquote]I am reminded that it is by God’s strength alone that I persist and exist. I worry so much about my flaws and the way I fear they will ruin things; but, God reminded me that He is really not limited by me. I am thankful for his patience, for His persistence, and for His presence in my life. What a dim, dull life it would be without Him.
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2015-02-12
